It’s hard to explain really.
It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.
Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.
It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.
I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.
Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.
It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.
It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.
I catch glimpses of her sometimes …..
The girl behind the anxiety.
Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.
I see her laugh
-minus the insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear
-minus the overthinking
And she is beautiful.
I don’t want you to read this and think…
Less of me
Worry for me
Sadness for me
Annoyance toward me
Because the way that I see it…
People that go through this world battling anxiety and still
-get up every morning
-want to be the best version of themselves
-have hope for the present and future
-want to spread love and happiness
-go to work in stressful challenging environments
-encourage and uplift
Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.
We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope. Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.
We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am. I am thankful for the things that have made me become that woman I am today.
But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.
AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL